this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
