It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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