I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Can I color on your dick again?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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