No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
