I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
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