i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
