dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there's paper in my vomit.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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