ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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