i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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