My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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