Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I am available for nakedness
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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