remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
