hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
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