About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
