when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
