Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
