Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
