If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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