There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
