Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
