Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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