Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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