I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
