shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
