you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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