i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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