Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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