Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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