If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
