The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
