I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
