We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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