My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize