New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
