There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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