Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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