God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
