dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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