Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
