guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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