I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He better not be in your backpack
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
