How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
how drunk are you?
Several
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize