she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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