I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
