Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
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