my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
