I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize