Pappa wants mamma naked
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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