You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
