I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
