I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
